The Official Platform of Dick Tater 2028
Strong Roots. Stronger Rule.
Term Limit Clarification Initiative
The American people deserve options. If voters want more leadership, who are bureaucrats to stand in the way? The 22nd Amendment never contemplated modern agriculture.
Executive Order on Maximum Soil Security
We will secure the borders of our fields. No unauthorized tubers. No invasive species. The harvest must be protected at all costs.
The Deep Root Audit
A comprehensive investigation into the so-called “deep state” of underground growth networks. The American people deserve to know what’s happening beneath the surface.
Alternative Facts & Farmers Coalition
When critics say the crop yield numbers don’t add up, we say: have you considered alternative fertilizer metrics? Many people are saying the harvest has never been stronger.
The Grate Again Growth Plan
We will restore America to its former starch-based glory. Our roots will be so strong, so deeply planted, that even the wind will salute.
Emergency Powers Preservation Act
In times of crisis, leadership must act decisively. If the situation calls for extraordinary measures, we will not let ordinary constraints get in the way of extraordinary potatoes.
Press Access Reform
All questions must be submitted in advance and phrased respectfully. Hostile inquiries will be redirected to the National Gravy Reserve for review.
Soil-Based Energy Independence
Clean coal? Too complicated. We believe in clean loam. America must become energy independent through sustainable root expansion.
Merit-Based Crop Selection
We believe in merit. The strongest tubers rise to the top. Weak potatoes will not be subsidized. This is a competitive harvest.
The Massive Wall of Corn Initiative
A bold, beautiful agricultural barrier. And the neighboring fields will absolutely pay for it.
Infrastructure You Can Taste
Roads so smooth they’re practically buttered. Bridges that never crumble. Every project completed in two weeks — maybe sooner.
National Loyalty Program
Every citizen receives a “Root Card.” The more you support the harvest, the more points you earn. Redemption options include commemorative spudware and preferred seating at rallies.