WASHINGTON - Dick Tater, a businessman and political figure whose legal name is Dick Tater according to documents filed in a county courthouse whose location Mr. Tater declined to specify, announced Monday his candidacy for the presidency of the United States in the 2028 general election, becoming what his campaign describes as "a totally fresh candidate with no constitutional complications whatsoever."

Mr. Tater, who held a press conference in what he described as "the largest indoor venue ever used for a presidential announcement, and that includes everything," addressed questions about the Twenty-Second Amendment, which limits any person to two terms as president, by explaining that the amendment applied to a different individual entirely.

"The amendment - a beautiful amendment, really, Dick respects it enormously - applies to a specific name, which is no longer Dick's name," Mr. Tater told reporters. "Dick went through the proper legal process. It's filed. It's done. The name is gone. The person the amendment refers to doesn't exist anymore, which is something Dick's attorneys have confirmed in a letter that Dick can describe but cannot share because of certain ongoing things."

Mr. Tater's lead attorney, a graduate of several universities whose names were provided but whose own name was not, stated that the campaign's legal position was "solid, very solid, frankly more solid than people are saying, which is to say most people are saying it's solid." The attorney appeared to perspire at several points during the briefing, which a campaign spokesperson attributed to a medical condition.

Constitutional scholars contacted by this publication offered assessments ranging from "deeply skeptical" to "I genuinely do not know what to say." A professor at a law school who asked not to be named said the argument "relies on an interpretation of personhood that has not been tested and that I would not personally like to test." A second professor called it "creative." A third did not respond but, according to a campaign statement, "nodded in a way that suggests agreement."

Mr. Tater himself dismissed the legal debate as a distraction manufactured by opponents who, he said, "cannot beat Dick on the issues, cannot beat Dick on the vision, and frankly cannot beat Dick on any metric that matters, so they're attacking a paperwork issue that his very expensive attorneys say is resolved, which it is."

When asked whether voters might find the name change irregular, Mr. Tater expressed confidence that the American public would respond favorably to what he called "a fresh start with all the same policies and the same hair, which is thicker than ever."

"Nobody changes a name like Dick," he added. "It was a beautiful change. People wept."

The Tater campaign did not respond to follow-up questions. A spokesperson replied to one email with the word "Tremendous." and nothing else.

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